It’s been a crazy, crazy week for the whole MxM extended family. I’ve been pretty tight lipped about most things recently (in contrast to my usual relentless gab) and I’ve been mulling over the last few weeks. Things were tough for me, and it was hard to really wrap my head around what it meant.
Then Amber, our friend and manager, very suddenly lost her father in a blindingly abrupt, surreal, and truly terrible night which Melissa and I (plus our new friend Justin) were there for.
I don’t know how to wrap my head around it. Its a place I’ve never been. It has me thinking about death and the life you have with people, the things you spend your time building and how many of those things are contingent on you and the people you love being, well, alive.
I hate those pat revelations. The idea that a tragedy all the sudden shocks you into being grateful for every fucking flower petal and sunny day. I hate that idea and even with a trauma like this happening to a close friend, it feels insultingly simple and reductionist.
What it does make me aware of is time and how, even if you are lucky enough to live a “long” or “full” life, it’s still limited. We are finite. What we are making of ourselves is meaningful because we only get so many opportunities.
Also, what you “make” seems like more than just the (theoretically) enduring product of your efforts. It’s the relationships you build, the ideas people have about you and the person you are or were.
I really hope I’ve honored this in my life. I honestly have no perspective. I sweat the small stuff all the time. I take things for granted. On the other hand, I value the people in my life so very highly and time is something I rarely waste if there’s something I care about.
I don’t know. There’s not much of a message here. My heart aches for my friend and I hope my love and thoughts help in as much as they can. I hope the people I love know I love them. I hope my ambitions drive me and my character tempers me. I hope we all get a good long time together.