"The plan worked… Well, almost." Gray thought to himself. True; the chronovortex he’d managed to jury-rig with various bits of wire and hidden under his bunk for the last several weeks was humming in perfect thirds, which (as every intra-and-interdimensional rock star supergenius knows) of course meant it was working. Next to him, Sid bared his teeth and growled. Even without the psychic bond between them or his 214 dog IQ (which is at least 110 in human IQ), Sid knew the short, mustachioed little man with the greasy black comb over who’d just soiled himself in front of them was bad news.
Still, Gray couldn’t imagine his mother (who was already that distinctly Jewish cocktail of nervous and over dramatic) would approve of his current attire. The SS uniform, with its high polished boots and blood red trim, was a terrible necessity. He’d worn it begrudgingly since his unintended arrival in Berlin 1945, all part of his masquerading as a hayseed from the German countryside, Lt. Warner VonStrupfifierhafen. Could he have probably put more time into coming up with more convincing name? Probably. No, what’s the other one?Definitely? Oh yeah, definitely. But being a dynamic man of action often requires quick decision making and a boldness to commit fully to those bad decisions. Plus, being a super genius and a goddamned acting pro didn’t exactly hurt either.
The Nazis had all bought it, despite of Gray being as decidedly nonaryan as they came. Sid had been an easier sell with the SS, what with him being a daschund (albeit with fantastic powers beyond that which you could even comprehend) and that being a German thing or something. Perhaps it was merely overlooked in all the scrambling and screaming everyone had been doing over the last week it so, as the small quakes from exploding shells seemed to get louder and more demanding. “Der Amerikaners!” were coming and would be here any day. With that looming, the Juden in their midst had gone unnoticed. On the other hand, it can’t be overstated how fucking great at acting Gray is. Oops, spoilers.
Anyway. Without a moment’s hesitation, Gray eagerly ripped off the swastika arm band off, like a Jewish kid tearing through wrapping paper on the 8th night of Hanukkah.
Der Fuhrer, who now had started crying and pleading for his life (or at least, that’s what it sounded like. What, do I look like I speak fucking German?), knelt in front of him. Gray lowered his Mouser.
"You’re lucky I give a shit about the Space-Time Continuum, you antisemetic fuck," Gray said coldly, taking quiet satisfaction in the fact that, without the swastika arm band, he actually looked pretty badass in the uniform.
"If it was up to me, I’d bust a cap in yo’ buns." The Fuhrer whimpered grateful noises. Sid sneered and did something as close to giggling as a dog can do. Honestly, he might have been something stuck in his throat. Sometimes it’s hard to tell.
Behind them, the ‘tex sang and the light pouring through it was getting brighter. “2014, here we come,” Gray thought. Maybe he’d get sushi when he got back. Maybe falafel. He decided he’d cross that bridge when he got to it.
Just then, Gray drew a joint from his pocket and took a big drag on that phat jay (Author’s Note: THIS IS FICTION YOU GUYS I DONT DO THIS IN REAL LIFE. YOU KNOW, FICTION. THE THING WHERE PEOPLE LIE TO YOU ABOUT THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPEN ABD ITS BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE ALL AT THE SAME TIME).
He exhaled slowly and looked down at the simpering heap of asshole collapsed in front of him. God, that mustache was even grosser up close. How did an entire nation follow a dude with such a gross ‘stache?
Gray smiled, the joint hanging lazily from his lips. He raised the Mouser and closed one eye to aim.
"You know what? Fuck you, Hitler."
After he was done, Gray turn and snapped his finger. Sid’s tail twitched and he bounded into the vortex, excited at the prospect of being able to sleep at the foot of a queen sized bed again. Gray paused for a moment, stubbed out his joint, and settled on sushi. And with that, he stepped into the singing light, leaving the leader of the Third Reich holding his own guts in a puddle on the floor.
I would like everyone to know that the teachers in the English Dept at Alamogordo HS do not agree with the knee jerk reaction of pulling Neverwhere from the Dept. library. It has been successful as a supplemental novel and since our goal is to get students engaged and encourage their thinking, this novel is a keeper — the students love it. The passage the parent is referring to is not graphic, but it is an adult type situation…a very briefly visited one.
I am sorry our school administrators did not stand up and support the material the way we all would have expected them to do. Also, as much as we hate to expose anyone for not speaking the truth, this parent had publicly stated that the school was “forcing” her student to read the novel (not true), and she also stated that the school never offered her daughter an alternate selection when she objected to Neverwhere. This statement is one that we will vehemently deny. The mother is stating inaccurate comments publicly. I work with the teacher in question – a very capable and intelligent young woman that is an asset to the English Dept.- and she immediately provided an alternate novel to the student as soon as the mother made the first known objection to Gaiman’s novel.
We simply cannot stand for banning a book for hundreds of students this year and in the years to come because a single parent objected over one brief passage on ONE page. Making inaccurate comments about the teacher (whom the parent chose not to even meet, but publicly disrespected her and questioned her credentials in spite of that), saying we forced anyone to read a text she objected to, or stating that no alternative assignment was offered is absolutely false. Teachers are sensitive to the needs of their students.
Our students have enjoyed Gaiman’s novel for almost ten years, and it saddens us to think that our future students will not have the same opportunity.
The teachers in the English Dept are opposed to any form of censorship. This situation is being handled incorrectly, it makes our school and our town appear as if we are fine with suspending the use of a book that is used by middle and high schools across the country and around the globe. We are not fine with it, and we want people to know that.
“What New England is, is a state of mind, a place where dry humor and perpetual disappointment blend to produce an ironic pessimism that folks from away find most perplexing.”—Willem Lange (via mostofyourstars)
I’ve been looking for a way to describe my home to my non-NE friends. This hits the nail right on the head.
Listening to the most recent episode if Savage Lovecast and I can hear Dan Savage gritting his teeth to not jump down the throat of bi activist Ellyn Ruthstrom. Given I feel on a similar page as Dan but I’m significantly less tactful, I’ll jump in with my fee-fees.
I believe Ellyn Ruthstrom’s heart is the right place and there is no question people with non-heternormative sexual orientations are victims of discrimination, intimidation, harassment and live with intense fear. This is true across the board if you deviate at all from a professed love of peen in vag, just that thank you.
But I, like Dan, take exception to whimpering of cowards. And frankly, Ms. Ruthstrom, you sound like if not a coward yourself, you’ve decided to make excuses for cowards.
I need to be clear: bisexuals aren’t cowards. Bisexuals are people. Gays are people. Straights are people. Crossing guards are people. People are people. And people can be many things, some things they choose, some they don’t. So when I say making “excuses for cowards,” I don’t mean “making excuses for bi people.” There are cowardly bifolks just as their are cowardly straight, gay, whoeverfolks. Hell, I wager there are a bunch of bi firefighters and those dudes are way more hardcore than I could ever be.
But when I hear “the world needs to change to be more accepting and accommodating before I feel people need to come out as _____” I bristle. As Dan rightfully pointed out, when he was a 16 year old kid in the 80s, skydiving out of a plane into the AIDS crisis while seemingly spitting in the face if his conservative parents, the world was not a safe place. It was not supportive. And he did it anyway. Because Dan ;and countless others who did the same thing or faced even harder challenges with less support) isn’t a coward.
Another unfortunate aspect of that argument is that there is a silent, unacknowledged privilege inherent to it. The difference is that many bisexuals CAN hide in plain sight. If you’re gay, this can be quite a difficult thing unless your partner is VERY accommodating and you have a very convincing wig. And yes, we all know about the pain of the closeted life, the anxiety that comes from being constantly terrified of being found out, but you know what makes it just a little bit easier to live with? The ability to be able to fuck the person you want to even some of the time and not having to open the conversation about your identity and risk rejection.
I know this is a truly horrifying thing to bring up because it appears to minimize the pain of the bi closet experience but the reason I do it is because, well… Some things are worse than others. I know in modern culture (where everyone’s personal pain is just as bad as everyone else’s because to insist otherwise would be to deny how special every individual person is) this seems unthinkable, but we CANNOT lose sight of scale, people. And when I see a person who can live a functional sexual and romantic life where they can rub their genitals on the person of their choosing some of the time without worrying about total ostracization vs a person who has the same issues ALL of the time… Well, the alligator (>) is greedy and wants to eat the person with the bigger problem.
So my point: YES, it sucks that there is discrimination against bisexuals. THERE SHOULD NOT BE. Everyone needs to change that, the straight community and the LGBT (that’s what the B stands for after all) community both. But when we start saying all communities, regardless of context, are going through the same level of struggle, and when we start faulting the harsh, unsupportive culture and citing it as a legitimate excuse not to be out when brave queer folks have been coming out for decades (largely because they had NO OTHER CHANCE at sexual, romantic, or just identity happiness)… I find it pretty cowardly. And yes, it is about the fee-fees. It’s about more than that, but overy up. If you take the risk to be open proud and honest, I will promise to not to give you shit for it, because that would be hella lame of me.
But please, don’t play that game where you victimize yourself for the fact that people aren’t “open” to you being bi. They might be. They might not be. It’s a moot point anyway. You’re bi. You aren’t less bi because people don’t accept it. I’m not less Jewish because some people are antisemitic. And I don’t have it just as hard as gay people or black people. Maybe I have it harder than white, straight, middle class people from Iowa, but I haven’t don’t the research. It’s not important right now. What’s important is to NOT BE A BABY, and to JUST DO YOU, OK?
Peace out, Michigan. I’d say it was nice to see you, but truth be told, you’re kind of the pits. Luckily, you have some dope people living there (with some notable, ghoulish exceptions). Keep on keeping on and when you want to get a few tips on how to not be totally terrible for me, check in with me in Boston.