Am I lonely? Sometimes. Sometimes profoundly lonely.
I don’t like social media. I’m not a super inviting, warm person. I’m not a shut in or friendless: I have boundaries that involve being reasonably close to some people, and closer/less close with others (depending on the exact other).
I suppose loneliness is always of your own orchestration on some level. There are always (well, almost always) people who you COULD open up to. Just because there feel like certain limitations or constraints on some relationships doesn’t mean those boundaries couldn’t be pushed and reassessed.
I get all that. I also think there’s something to be said for not trying to break down those boundaries sometimes. I think you can’t foist a level of intimacy on the people around you. It needs to be built, reciprocated. You can attempt to put yourself out there in hours of a higher degree of intimacy and trust, but you run the risk of arrogance and self-centeredness in presuming that is what every friend you have wants. Sometimes it is better to have a relationship of shades and degrees rather than steamroll a friend into filling a emotional void in your life.
I have many of those. They are nourishing and entertaining by turns. I still feel lonely sometimes. Not a generalized “I’m so alone in the universe” type of way. Mostly, it’s knowing certain moments, certain feelings, certain ideas are yours and yours alone. It’s the heaviness that you get when you realize this pain, this joy, this sensation isn’t something you can throw on to just anyone. It takes someone specific. And I don’t think I have someone like that in my life.
I have plenty of people I can call when I want to goof around or bitch about my day. They do the same with me and we all have a time. But sometimes it feels like my head is going to pop or my heart is slowing to a stop. Sometimes it feels like there’s a part of me that I want to show someone special. I want to be known fully.
Sometimes I’m lonely. I’m lonely for this person, this person I trust and who trusts me. I’m lonely for the intimacy of being looked at and understood. I’m lonely for the person for whom the heaviest feelings aren’t an imposition but a gift of understanding.